Before I get caught with my pants down, let me fully disclose that my own experience as a nudist is limited. There was the day I was born. That resulted in a spanking, unlike (most) naked moments thereafter. I vaguely recall a couple of college age incidents running fully exposed through crowds. When you cover your head with a beer box, it’s technically a streaker rather than a nudist. In Key West, I bare-bellied up at Garden of Eden bar but the ratio was a deal breaker. Then there was my honeymoon, the first and only opportunity to do a nakation right.
We were in St Maarten, home of legendary Orient Beach with its French influence. After getting acclimated to the topless section, we decided to stroll down the full clothing optional area just to check things out. To be clear, my new bride was no nudist. Disrobing with the lights on dim was about as risqué as things got with her. (She became my ex-wife btw).
At the start of the special beach, I remember ordering “penis coladas” from a strategically positioned stand to get the vibe going. The stretch was guarded by an imposing sign forbidding cameras, back in a time when cameras were cameras. Most of all, I recall the clientele was by in large at the don’t give a F stage in life, be it restraint at the buffet or personal grooming.
Nakation Guide
Indeed, the visit was headed for sheer disappointment until finally we encountered a lovely woman showing all her glory. Like every man who has ever been caught staring, I no doubt had the poker face and discretion of a baboon at feeding time. With eyes a rolling, the Mrs was aware that I was pleased with the enhanced scenery. My giddiness was short lived, however. For yonder came jogging by some sort of Greek deity with his considerable gifts on full display. I thought surely it was the potent drinks making me see things, but the trail in the sand said otherwise.
Without even removing a flip flop, that was the end of my naturalist experience. Candidly, it has been penciled in my bucket list, but my beach vacations have not facilitated the opportunity nor company to cross it off. I suppose the whole concept has been viewed as too shady and taboo by those within my prudish circle.
Nakationing
Ah but It’s a whole new era and nude escapes have gone mainstream. What a time to be alive!
Welcome to the world of nakations my textile friends. Yes, you are labelled as textile if you choose to carry out your getaways like post-fruit Adam and Eve. Let that term be lesson one as we explore the ins and outs of modern-day naturalist travel.
The nudist world is more organized than you may think, with official sounding organizations such as the American Association of Nude Recreation. Granted the AANR sounds curiously similar to the AARP but this ain’t your grandpa’s nudist club. While you shouldn’t click the website from your office computer, the AANR has gone to great lengths to make things above board and remove the creepiness and creeps. My personal application is still in review but I’m sure it’s a clerical error.
One goal of the AANR, and other similar groups, is to establish codes of conduct and decorum so that no matter where you find yourself publicly naked, you will be fully comfortable and enjoying some real upsides. Imagine never having to stress about what to wear. Ladies??? For a week’s vacation, that eliminates a minimum of eight couples fights. Also factor in the airline bag fees you can save when your entire trip wardrobe fits in a fanny pack. Then there is the guarantee of no tan lines. So many wins if you just follow the bare essentials.
Towels
Prison has cigarettes. Bourbon Street has beads. The nude resort has towels. In this environment, a towel ranks above sunscreen, razors, and even mirrored sunglasses. Something must buffer your naked hiney from whatever you sit on. That’s a big deal for hygiene or at least the perception thereof. Assuming you are a civilized soul who builds a nest before using a public toilet, this should be a no brainer.
So hear this: Beach chair- set towel. Bar stool – set towel. Bicycle – double check that a seat is installed. Then set towel. That thin layer of terry cloth is all that differentiates primates at the zoo from those at the resort. Hold onto that towel like Linus and his blanket.
Cameras
Back in the day of my St Maarten honeymoon, it was easy to spot a big ol Nikon around someone’s neck. Plus, any action shots involved hoisting that unit up and fiddling around with lens. Then you had to show up at the Walmart photo department and shamelessly collect your prints in person. All significant barriers to obtaining unauthorized pics of naked sunbathers.
Cameras now are a whole different animal. Smart phones, Go Pros, drones, and those dreaded Google glasses allow the pervs a huge advantage. As such, expect the naturalist clientele to be vigilant. Don’t leave the room with any kind of picture making device beyond an Etch a Sketch.
Sunscreen
At least three notable reasons exist to pack extra sunblock. First, there will be remarkably more surface area to cover. Second, certain parts have never seen the sun. Third, the discomfort from those parts getting burned is exponentially worse than any you have experienced. Apply liberally and often. Fellas, just make sure any rubbing below the waist is done very slowly. In fact, better to just use spray.
Nakation Types
You name it and there is a nakation to cover it. Or uncover it. All-inclusive adult beach resorts are the most popular. There are also a variety of destinations that cater to every segment from couples to families. The latter raises a lot of questions but one thing’s for sure, the mini-van ride home would be at an unprecedented level of awkwardness.
There are even clothing-free campgrounds, the only nudist option where it’s acceptable for a dude to be observed pitching a tent.
If you prefer your full exposure to be in international waters, Cruisebare has a Norwegian luxury liner chartered as the Big Nude Boat. Truthfully, such a name for a naked cruise can be a bit intimating for the gents. I have already dropped a note in the suggestion box for Average Nude Boat.
While there may be some angst at boarding, things become quite relaxed after the vessel is beyond eyesight of port. Even still, it’s best not to have the kids wave bye bye to granma and granpa from the dock.
Once on the open water, the vibe on board is to be happily naked anywhere and everywhere. The lone exception is when it’s time to eat. The dining room requires clothing while the buffet is naked. On the latter, just be careful what you reach for with the tongs.
Regardless of whether you nakation on land or sea, what about romance? Every naturalist group on record is adamant that they are not a swinger scene. Aside from mishaps at the morning buffet, upside down pineapples are nowhere to be found. That said, enter at your own risk the conga lines and late-night twister games.
Nakation options
So are you a candidate to turn your next vacation into a nakation? If the experience sounds appealing, don’t procrastinate. It’s ironic that so many folks have not found the confidence to go publicly nekkid until they were octogenarians. So why wait? Get your two toned, textile self out of your comfort zone. Rock that body in whatever form it is. No shame. All good times. While you won’t have pictures, you’ll have memories.
