Travel has always involved a certain amount of discomfort and risk. Our ancestors endured long journeys on foot without an escalator or moving walkway in sight. Along the way, they faced attacks from hostile natives and wild creatures. As the world progressed, travelers embraced months-long crossings in wooden ships and then some very questionable early air service. Our forefathers faced legit hardships, but they never had to deal with these modern day airport idiots:
Top 10 Airport Idiots
Cell Phone Zombies
We will start with this one since at some point, it has probably applied to all of us at the airport as well as the commute to it. Who amongst us hasn’t honked and screamed at a distracted driver and then five miles later, found themselves in the reversed role tapping out a perfect zinger on the keypad. Honks and middle fingers in the rearview noticed only after hitting send. This revolving check and balance maintains order and it is our responsibility to pay it forward to other drivers when we are done watching the IG reel.
Likewise, it is appropriate to give no quarter when we hustle though a crowded terminal and encounter that classic distracted knucklehead. Immersed in conversation, they are staring off into neverland or head down absorbed in a tik tok. Inevitably they wander the wrong way against the flow, unwittingly playing chicken with the masses. Add in a zig zag path that causes both trailing and oncoming traffic to do the same. Like Caribbean puddle jumper flights, collision avoidance is purely up to the other guy.
Eventually this fool will get knocked back into focus when they impact a column, trash bin or toddler. Then within the next 25 steps, they will be cursing someone doing the very same thing. Rinse repeat.
Let’s quit being this idiot, on both the highway and concourse C.
Moving walkway violators
Another foot traffic faux pas. While the moving walkway is a conveyor belt, more participation is expected from a human than from a Samsonite on the baggage carousel. The intent of this invention was not to replace walking; just enhance it.
Notice that at a span of 3 to 5 ft, the walkway is much wider than a person. Well maybe not the one who just middle seated next to you but generally it is. For good reason.
Idiots at Airport
If you are a weary traveler who chooses to stand idle or stroll slowly along the moving walkway, that’s fine. Just for heaven’s sake, move your behind and 3 suitcases to the far right side. Leave an opening and expect those with places to be to wheel on by. Think passing lane on the interstate. Think road rage when you don’t comply.
Ah but there’s a twist and I confess to being a violator. Go somewhere like England and the lanes are reversed. After that long flight, you must remember to keep your sloth paced self on the left side of the walkway and let the hasty blokes pass you on the right. The Brits themselves are too polite to say anything rude. The transients with a quick layover are not. While you may not understand them, it’s a certainty they will utter something along the lines of &$!#% idiots at the airport.
Assistance Cart Drivers
Travel idiocy is not just reserved for passengers. Let’s call out those gung-ho cart pilots blasting through the terminal with less regard for safety than a Bangkok cabbie at rush hour. God help ya if you don’t hear that subtle beeping through your ear buds as a vehicle the size of a Corolla comes whizzing by four inches away. Chances are it will be at the exact moment you have to sidestep a cell phone zombie.
There is an irony to the whole thing. Someone gets a free ride due to age, mobility, or severe hangover and all the sudden they are VIP status. The FAA apparently has a rule that requires these honored guests to be rushed from Terminal A to D in a fraction of the time it takes the rest of us. Furthermore, union regs are rumored to specify that cart drivers are paid per head. Thus, it’s lucrative to create and collect additional immobilized passengers along the way.
I imagine the airport’s insurance for cart related injuries is stout. In fact, I am counting on it. My reward miles are getting low, and I need options.
Airport idiots list.
TSA Grouches
Staying with the non-civilian side of things, it’s time to reel in security staff who perform their job in the most uptight and condescending way. Communicating the same instructions over and over must be truly monotonous. However, it’s a bad look to blame the passenger for not being perfectly versed in that particular terminal’s procedures on a given day. The blue clad army does realize these things vary from airport to airport, right?
So with all due respect officer, lose the snottiness when barking at the poor souls who aren’t sure about their belt or laptop and whether the carry-on has to be in a bin. Chances are the previous airport did it differently.
Here’s a cutting edge idea: how about fewer signs enlightening us that explosives are not allowed and more signs explaining the policies of the day. Beyond that, perhaps a technology exists to transmit a helpful message to us on some sort of handheld device. Nahhh that’s science fiction.
Annoying People of Air Travel
Seatmate Chow Hounds
Bringing food on the plane is a tricky subject. On one hand, it certainly makes sense to tote a meal on board, especially with a long journey ahead and a one ounce bag of pretzels as the inflight menu. The flip side is that eating within inches of a stranger is the most intimate dining experience that exists beyond edible underwear.
For those who feel compelled to carry on some grub, let’s first address the choice of entrée. The goal is to go with the least sloppy and aromatic. Chick-fil-A properly consumed while wrapped in its foil pouch- Yes. Shrimp pad thai with chili garlic sauce and chop sticks- No.
Whatever the food, table manners should be escalated to the highest level. The person two inches away is basically sharing that meal. All five of their senses are potentially engaged and the objective is to stimulate them as little as possible.
Biggest airport idiots.
Service Animal Posers
Speaking of hounds, let’s address the real ones. I know this is a delicate topic and everyone has compassion for someone whose special needs are served by a well-trained canine. These dogs used to fit a certain profile. Quite frankly they were better behaved than most passengers, from patience to potty training. Now it’s chihuahuas, pekinese and shih tzus. Hmm.
A quick search on Amazon verifies you can acquire a service animal vest for $19.99. Yes, there is one designed for a chihuahua. Maybe TSA should start screening the credentials of these critters, with violators required to fly in a cage. The owners, not the pets.
As for the owners, I don’t claim to be a therapist but they typically seem to be pretty well adjusted. Always carrying a latte. Frequently sporting designer hair bows and nail polish matching their support toy poodle.
Indeed, I smell a rat. Which might actually be an approved service animal at this point. What’s next, support reptiles? Don’t laugh; there is Wally, the infamous support alligator. Before he went missing in action, he provided his owner immeasurable comfort as well as a guaranteed row to himself. At least on Southwest.
Worst Airport Idiots
Seat Squatters
Regardless of whether you are cold blooded or warm blooded, seating on a plane is not a difficult concept (other than Southwest). The ticket does in fact specify exactly where to park yourself and as you walk down the aisle, it’s pretty simple for anyone above a service animal to figure it out. Yet flight after flight people somehow get it wrong. Other times, they do it on purpose because they decide now is the time for an instant free upgrade to a seat of their choosing. I’ve actually seen people get indignant when the flight attendant has to move them to their spot. This is kindergarten level decorum, but it ends up being problematic time and again.
Southwest of course eliminates this dynamic. On their planes, it’s basic survival of the fittest for seating. We covered it thoroughly here. So while there are no rules once you board, the queue at the gate is where the violations occur. Be vigilant about the C group weasel who drifts into B or A pretending they don’t know better. They do. They saved the $20 upgrade and checked in on the way to the airport. It’s their own poor choices that put them in the back of the line. Just like kindergarten.
Worst airport idiots.
Baggage Carousel Alphas
Maybe it’s a function of flight stress or eagerness to get to the resort pool, but there is always pent-up aggression at baggage claim. Every passenger hustles to get there, only to face an inevitable 10-20 minute wait for the belt to start turning. As such, there’s no reason for anyone to bull their way to the front like a punker at a ’77 Sex Pistols concert.
Relax and chill, hard chargers. When your bag finally plops out, you don’t need to be a power forward boxing out for a rebound. Save that move for when they bring out a fresh batch of crab legs at the cruise ship buffet. Instead, calmly approach the carousel. Say excuse me and your fellow passenger will happily allow you space to retrieve your bag. They might even grab it for you.
Airplane and Airport Idiots
Customs Line Nazis
In this day and age, border crossings are serious matters worldwide. It’s no surprise that when we land in another country, we endure a long wait for a mysterious process that is supposed to ensure no contraband is brought in. While it’s a buzz kill after a 7 hr flight and a swim up bar awaiting, we do comprehend the necessity. Obediently we file along for 45 minutes so that a glassy eyed customs agent can ask questions like are you carrying any weapons, drugs, or livestock. Assuming the latter doesn’t apply to your service animal, you simply answer no. The agent pauses for effect before stamping your passport and sending you on your way.
Worst Airport Idiots
I suppose it never occurred to them that international smugglers might actually lie. It begs the question of what all this hassle is for and what is accomplished. A thorough bag inspection or full body cavity search is something we could all understand. (Some readers of this blog may even enjoy).
Apparently, such measures are pointless. However, if you pull your phone out for mindless entrainment or to text loved ones, watch out. Certain customs staff will pounce like you are Jason Bourne with his cover blown.
What possible threat is the cell phone while people wait to get rubber stamped? It seems the customs line Nazis are more prevalent the closer you edge toward third world. I’ve been to Caribbean Islands where I guarantee I could have breezed through with my carry on stuffed with dynamite, two kilos and a live chicken. Yet the moment I pull an iPhone out of my pocket, I’m being referred to Interpol.
10 airport idiots you encounter.
Aisle Crashers
We save the best for last. I’ll take a combination of the nine above before one of these world class airport idiots. You know the drill. The plane pulls up to the gate and instantly a certain percentage of people jump up like they just got their name called on The Price Is Right. Hooray for them but the real showcase winner is the clown who comes storming up the aisle. It will clog at some point, generally right next to you, and there the crasher will be staged. A sweaty rear end violating air space way too close to your face.
Sidebar: Let’s give grace to those on pins and needles due to a quick connector. However, there is protocol for that. Announce your plight to the flight attendants and passengers. Play to the goodness of others and generally they will accommodate.
In practice, the tight layover crowd has nothing to do with the aisle crasher. I have personally investigated the matter by tailing these perps. In most cases I pass them on the jetway as they suddenly become the slowest footed person in the terminal outside of a moving walkway. Then I look back upon entering the gate and like clockwork, they are idle. No particular place to be.
What can be done about these cretins who clearly flunked out of preschool yet can somehow afford airline tickets?
Airport Idiot Behavior
All is not lost. Amongst the aisle seats, there is a growing resistance movement of clandestine warriors who spring into action and block the pathway as soon as the plane comes to a stop. I like these people. They are heroes.
Crashers, you have been warned. It’s a shame it must come down to such turf warfare, especially in an era when brawls on planes are about as common as on-time departures. Wait your turn. Pay for an upgrade. Don’t tread on people who do.
Airport Idiots Observations
For those who insist on crashing the aisle, I can only hope your next airport visit includes run-ins with distracted pedestrians and speeding carts. Let you be flagged by TSA and detained at foreign customs. May your seatmate bring on board leftover salmon and kimchi dumplings. All your fellow airport idiots will rule the day. Throw in old school hardships like long, unassisted walks and an attack from a wild creature. Or at least a support animal. A poodle or chihuahua will do but I’m rooting for a gator.
