Summer Edition...
Anyone can break their bones skiing and boarding in the Rockies. Yawn. The real way to test your mettle (and insurance coverage) is through Colorado outdoor adventures in the summer. The big two are rafting and climbing so that’s what we headed west to do, all within an hour or two of Denver. The hardy crew consisted of myself, two teenagers and the prettiest tour guide in the state.
They say it takes a day or two to adjust to the altitude so we laid low in the Mile High City the first night taking in some eats and outdoor games at a fun venue called ViewHouse. Note Coloradans: its called cornhole. I refuse to play “bags”. PC run amok!
Saturday more uhh bags and then off to Bronco stadium for a concert. Sure wish events at all arenas could be pulled off with such efficient traffic flow and good manners as this crowd. Well done Denver. Worst snag I saw was a rickshaw driver stiffed by his drunken patron. That’s gangsta in Denver!
Colorado outdoor adventures humor
Rafting- Colorado Outdoor Adventure I
With our oxygen levels acclimated the next morning, it was time to head 2 hours south to Canyon City for some white water. Advertised as class 4 no less. As good as it gets for the average joe tourist.
A certain member of our party was apprehensive about rafting in turbulent conditions. Seems this person had a bad experience in a college tubing incident and suffers from some sort of white water PTSD. One must conquer fears and to this person’s credit, never a peep was made about backing out….even when the guides went to great lengths to explain all manners of danger that could befall us. This covered every imaginable outcome from going off Niagara sized waterfalls… to floating helplessly thousands of miles into the Gulf of Mexico… to scenarios of missing rafters that end like scenes from the cutting room floor of Deliverance.
So with all that in play, one needed ice water in the veins as chilly as that mountain river. At least the prettiest one in our raft may have been thinking that as she recalled that infamous day capsizing her tube amongst frat boys. Said brotherhood concerned not with loss of life, but only with loss of Coors Light.
Rafting in Colorado
Well to make a long boring story short, Class 4 danger these days is best described as floating the Lazy River at the Disney water park and getting sandwiched by a family of plus size vacationers from Kentucky. More annoying than scary. So bottom line, rafting falls into my time proven belief that any tourist related “adventures” are dumbed down enough so that Darwin’s theory won’t likely come into play and neither will hordes of PI attorneys. Oh well. Nice scenery at least.
Ah and an apology to our guide. I had tip in hand but as soon as we made landfall, he sprinted to the employee lounge and remained there. Perhaps there was some sort of emergency as we noticed a fair amount of smoke wafting out of that building. Sorry brah, I’ll get you next time.
Update: I have learned that other times of the year you might actually encounter waterflow that exceeds the medium hot tub setting at the Broadmoor Resort. Maybe we will try again. Hopefully I’ll finish the trip so amped up that I’ll need to visit that employee lounge.
summer colorado outdoor adventures
Climbing- Colorado Outdoor Adventure II
The night after rafting was focus time. It was the eve of the big day. Introduction to climbing.
Let me be clear that Mr Wanderfool does not climb. Not ladders. Nothing. No fear of heights here; just a significant fear of falling. I don’t recall an incident where I could have acquired a climbing phobia but surely I must have tumbled out of my crib. Or maybe a dorm loft one Saturday night in college. I dunno but I was at least ready to look this fear in the eye and attempt to push my limits.
Now earlier I said that every tourist adventure is dumbed down and we even proved that in our not so death-defying rafting experience. However Denver Climbing Company is the exception to the rule. We had a legit extreme sports dude leading us and while professional, he wasn’t wasting a helluva lot of time with details like making sure everyone was confident, prepared and in my case, packing an extra pair of underwear. Hey I respect that and it’s why we came: a real climbing experience, not some kid’s birthday at the YMCA rock wall.
Off we went on an uphill hike to a ridge overlooking none other than the Adolph Coors Brewery in Golden, CO. (Note to you Silver Bullet fans: I saw no mountain springs feeding water to that plant. Just saying).
Summertime Colorado outdoor adventures
Anyway we started receiving instruction at the base of that sheer cliff of roughly 50 ft in height. It was also time to pair up. Seems one person climbs while the other belays the rope. In layman’s terms, belay means they hold your life in their hands. Of my two teenagers, I did the noble thing and assigned the one paying attention to the lady.
I partnered with the one snap chatting and perusing You Tube the whole instructional session. With the basics apparently covered (for some of us), it was time to climb. While our foursome was still trying to recall how exactly to tie that special knot and perform the belay hand movements, I looked over and noticed the family from Wisconsin was already scaling the cliff like spider monkeys. Pressure building. Its clear we were out of our element and being around these overachievers was not helping.
I was the rope guy first. I belayed for my oldest with all the focus and commitment to precious life you would expect from a parent. He did pretty well for a first timer. Granted no match for the 16 year girl from Milwaukee 10 feet away and that could not have helped his disposition.
Colorado climbing
Next it was my turn and I was determined to show my crew who was the true mountaineer. Our lady climber had already made nice a ascent and came pretty close to the summit. As I strapped in, I approached my oldest son and readied for a defining father/son bonding moment. That primal man to man look into each other’s eyes where you know he has your back. Confidence that he will fight to the death by your side. Pride that the torch has been passed and he is the stronger one.
Colorado outdoor adventures
What I got were words along the lines of this is dumb and I’ll figure it out when you start climbing. Not what I needed to hear. Did I also mention that my life is being held by the teenager who I just had a tussle with about cleaning up the mess from breakfast? Is revenge a dish best served cold…colder than the tap water flowing through the faucets in that the Coors plant below?
Colorado Outdoors
Nevertheless I started to climb. Step. Grab. Lean. Stretch. Step. Grab. Repeat. After scaling about 12 feet I looked down for that reassurance from my belayer. My flesh and blood. Seems he found something else on You Tube and two hand belaying was now one and a half hand belaying. Hey boy! Focus!
So I carried on. Or at least tried but that shaky feeling was setting in. Thoughts of how it would feel to slip. Programming stamped in my DNA that says heights will eliminate me from the gene pool. Visions of me bouncing all the way down to that brewery yard, scattering the stacked kegs like bowling pins. So I froze. Not quite cat stuck in a tree froze…but this little kitty was starting to meow. It was time to make a token effort to climb and when eyes were not on me, repel my feline self right back down to solid, beautiful earth.
To no one’s great surprise, climbing is not for me. I heard there are other ways to get high in Colorado. Even John Denver says so. Perhaps they are safer. Perhaps not. Anyway, hats off to those who take to the sport and also props to the Denver Climbing Co. for the excursion itself. One of the only things I have paid to do where I felt challenged and in fact, soundly defeated!
Final score:
Colorado: 1
Mr Wanderfool: 1
Call it a tie. To be broken another day and another season.
Wisdom of the "Fool
Travelers Tips for Colorado outdoor adventures in summer
Don’t challenge strangers to cornhole in Denver. You may be asked to leave. Or you may wind up with a date. Either way it’s not going to result in a game of “bags”.
Decide if you are seeking white water rapids or a float down the lazy river. Plan the month of your trip accordingly. Colorado outdoor adventures in the summer can be extreme or tame.
If you don’t like to climb things, don’t expect to excel at climbing. Who woulda thunk.
Accept that the water in your Coors Light is the same as the water in PBR.
If a teenager is going to be holding the rope for you, do not in any circumstance get in a conflict with them that morning.
