A Cautionary Tale of Tricks and Treats in a London Weekend…
Once upon a midnight dreary,
while I wandered dazed and weary,
Over pulled a chariot of curious volume and famous lore,
While we piled in, nearly tripping,
suddenly there came a tapping,
As subs and tweets loudly rapping,
rapping thru the Rolls Royce door.
‘Tis some visitors’, I muttered,
‘tapping on the Rolls Royce door-
Only this, and so much more.’
Poe spent his early years in London so who better to echo for my first visit to that fine city, especially during Halloween weekend. Even Edgar may have shivered at the thought of so many Yanks cascading in at once with their full moon fever, American futbol and AmEx Black cards.
Trick or Treat
The story starts with good intentions to sightsee a couple days in the city and catch the NFL game in the legendary Wembley Arena. After an overnight flight full of delays and red eyes, I found myself settled in along Park Lane and ready for a relaxing evening to prepare for the London weekend.
London Weekend of tricks and treats
So how did that first day turn into the kind of howling night of madness that Warren Zevon warned us about? Seems we ran into a Texas cowboy and his sidekicks, and they aimed to set the town on fire. An invite to saddle up and ride with them was accepted.
Even before they finished dinner, it became apparent this was going to be a different kind of rodeo. The Cowboy had bought a $5000 bottle of wine and was spilling it about the table like it was Busch Light in the last round of beer pong. See, these were genuine oil Texans. Everything is said to be bigger in Texas and that goes for a night out on the town, regardless of the continent.
With approx. $1700 of wine left at and on the table, we shuffled out the door to head to a club. Our new hosts had their car on standby and sure enough it pulled right up. It didn’t take long to realize this wasn’t an Uber when the back doors opened suicide style and RR emblems were adorned everywhere. Before I could comment on the classiness of the Rolls, the rap music hit from all 26 speakers. It’s a safe bet that pristine sound system had delivered its previous clientele nothing beyond the passages of Mozart, Beethoven and the like. Perhaps in its spunkiest moment, Adele. Yet there we were blowing it out to filthy American rap at decibels that shook each and every hand tightened bolt in the sled. ‘Merica!
London Weekend tricks and treats
Our chauffeur expertly navigated the busy SOHO streets, ears a hip-hop ringing while East coast and West coast met Texas coast. In no time we arrived at a place called Sexy Fish which apparently was the “it” spot to be. The doormen handled their station with slightly more seriousness than the Royal Guard at Buckingham. Nonetheless, with very little words exchanged we were in. Little words but possibly a lot of cash.
London Weekend Halloween
It was a lively club, and we quickly commanded VIP status with the bar keeps. The posse was ready to kick it up a notch to tequila and soda. Ranch Water. Ah but not any tequila would do. We required Clase Azul, the top shelf stuff in the ceramic bottle with the bell. King Ranch Water.
Drinks were flying around faster than they were being consumed. At some point, I felt obligated to pick up a round after all this hospitality. So I stepped in and told the server I was covering the latest pour of 3 King Ranch waters and 2 vodka sodas. I was promptly presented a bill of $284 for those 5 little drinks. Math in my head went sideways. Some sort of cockeyed currency conversion? Nope. The pound was on par with the dollar. I threw down the card and let the good times roll…and committed to keeping my mouth shut about tabs for the rest of the night.
Off we went to another club where we were declined entry. Apparently the Cowboy, in the short walk from the Rolls to the entrance, was able to violate the standards of conduct to such an extent that cash to the doorman was not going to solve things.
Weekend London Tricks and Treats
With tails tucked, we headed to the Cowboy’s hacienda, a superb 5 star hotel which shall remain nameless. As one would expect, the bar was elegant and chill. Well, it was until our arrival. We piled in a dimly lit booth and cued up more of those King Ranch Waters. After about the first round, the Cowboy, for reasons that can’t be explained, took to bellowing like a madman at the top of his lungs. This American Werewolf in London had finally made full transformation, and all on the first floor were going to know it.
I must admit it was rather hysterical to see the buttoned-up staff frantically peering around and trying to figure what in Gods name was making such a noise in their fine establishment. Heads a swiveling to determine the source.
When they finally found the Cowboy, the manager politely asked him to cease. The Cowboy declined, in a most colorful manner. This led to significant unpleasantness and a full certainty that I was about to achieve an elite standard for bars from which to be kicked out. Somehow that did not happen. In fact, not only did we fail to be bounced, staff followed through with the Cowboy’s order of more tequila and to top it off, a bottle of Dom. A most tolerant and good-natured people those Brits.
Crazy weekend in London
So we sat and drank premium champagne, though my lovely companion and I agreed that the taste was a bit soured by our supporting roles in the latest touring production of The Ugly American. Normally we would have left immediately but hey, it was Dom for heavens sake. One glass and we were on our way.
Though extravagant plans had been formulated all evening to meet the crew at the football game the next afternoon and then head off to a futbol match, it never materialized. ‘Twas was the last we saw of the cowboys and the Rolls. Perhaps the full moon subsided, and they spent the rest of the weekend drinking Pepe Lopez and riding around in a Mini Cooper.
London Weekend Tricks and Treats blog.
Football not Futbol
The morning came early and brought game day. Football in a nation of Futbol. Or so I thought. Turns out the Brits do care about our brand of ball. As we made the long, congested commute to Wembley in a double decker bus retooled as a party wagon, we saw NFL jerseys galore walking in. The quirk was that every team was represented. These people were NFL fans and even though their team wasn’t playing, they were going to the game. It was a trip to sit in the packed stadium and be surrounded by every team’s gear.
Props need to be extended to Wembley stadium. Good concessions. Nice facility. Bathrooms up to the task (though points deducted for the medieval era throwback of trough urinals. A modern day crossing of the swords. Harrumph!).
Aside from that, the cordiality was terrific throughout the stadium… though I hear things may get a bit more cheeky for a premier league match.
London Weekend. MrWanderfool London weekend.
London Towne
The next day was about exploring. I even navigated the London Underground subway (the Tube for us pros) without getting lost. Walked around some famous sights. Took in Burroughs Market. Saw about every exotic car you could imagine. Dodged them, as well as double deckers in the wrong lane. Envied the accents. Sampled great food and drink. Learned what it means to “take the piss” out …
That evening was our last in London, just when I was getting accustomed to opposite direction travel and looking right instead of left when crossing the street. (Travelers Tip: I can testify there are really good brakes and drivers on those red busses). It also happened to be Halloween, though that’s not a huge thing in England. We saw a few costumes and some that we thought were costumes but probably weren’t. Truth is we had our share of tricks and treats the first night and we did our best at that point to blend in with the friendly locals in this clean and fantastic city.
Crazy London Weekend of tricks and treats.
I will happily hop across the pond again to experience another London weekend. In fact, let’s make it a full week…so long as it’s not a time of Halloween, full moons and American werewolves. I’d much rather dodge double decker busses than silver bullets.
Postcards from a London Weekend
Wisdom of The ‘Fool
Traveler’s Tips for a London Weekend:
- Look right before crossing the street. If you forget, screeching tires are part of the fun
- When you fly into Heathrow, be prepared to walk. And walk. You will be weary by the time you get to the first crosswalk. See above
- Chips mean fries, not Lays or Ruffles
- Having a spot of tea is a mystery. Bummed I was never asked to have tea or even saw someone have tea.
- There seems to be two flags for England. The old white one with the red cross you see in the Knight movies and the cool one Def Leppard created
- It’s difficult to get kicked out of a London bar. Step your game up
- While Halloween is mellow, beware of full moon weekends in London and ready yourself for tricks with the treats. The legends are real
