A layover in Charlotte was the tipping point. MrWanderfool would remain silent no more. The time had come for an unabashed exposé on the facilities. Take a deep breath, pull your mask tight and together we will flush out edition one of airport restroom reviews.
In full disclosure, this investigative report can only be half complete. After weighing the implications of being flagged by TSA and/or finding myself viral on TikTok, I restricted the reviews to the mens room. Granted in this day and age, I could have visited any facility I wanted with my head and (as a gentleman) toilet seat held high.
Admittedly my conservative approach will not only diminish any Pulitzer possibilities, it will prevent this piece from directly helping the ladies. Sorry gals, though I do suspect there are consistencies between the quality of mens and ladies rooms at a given airport.
Travelers airport restroom reviews and humor
Back to Charlotte and its facilities. Is it a conspiracy against the weaker sex or simply an egregious case of poor execution? You be the judge.
Let’s start with that relic from the dark ages: urinals with no dividers. A serious slight to modern man at any facility outside of penal institutions or marine barracks. Compound this by utilizing the protruding teacup style fixtures rather than the snug mount models, and you have a situation where it’s impossible to achieve safe harbor.
airport restroom reviews worldwide
Furthermore, for a major hub, CLT was way under built on the rest rooms. Toilet to passenger ratio is third world. Perhaps even on par with a sold out stadium at halftime. This lack of foresight guarantees a never ending line of poor souls with thousand mile stares. Each anxiously awaiting their turn for a stall to deal with the effects of poor dietary choices the night before travel day. Single file and much too close to those teacup urinals. Everyone under pressure and on the clock.
All that said, the real deal breaker is the presence of one of life’s great mysteries – the bathroom attendant. Very chatty and engaging attendants. While customer service and friendliness is a lost art, there is a time and place. What is going on here and what purpose do you serve sir? Are eye contact and verbal commentary standard industry practices or are you freelancing?? How much is expended annually on this restroom manpower???
So many questions but some clear conclusions. CLT is not for the shy of kidneys or those who fear the wandering eye. Plus there is the potential for long lines. Therefore if things are getting dicey as you approach that airport, I’d offer the unprecedented advice to go on the plane.
restroom airport
The Worldwide Stage
As I washed up and thanked the overachieving attendant for his valuable assistance, I got to thinking about the entirety of the airport restroom universe. Most of them are lumped together. They serve their purpose without much fanfare or variation. With some notable exceptions:
New Orleans. The Big Easy, of all places, has achieved an Elon Musk level technological advancement. The same city that hoses down its streets every night has tapped into the future to provide an automated seat cover. Spectacular. Nobel prize stuff. And what better airport for this space age gadgetry. After a long night on bourbon street, no weary and suffering passenger wants to face the task of manually building a nest. Bravo New Orleans
A puzzling sign at an airport restroom in Oslo, Norway. No one can be sure whats going on here. Is it directed at those with only moments to spare? Or maybe those where it’s a moment too late??
Seoul. This informative tutorial is hung in every stall. Gotta be honest, I never would have thought to do that in my life until the sign gave me the idea. Traveler’s tip: Make sure your balance is sound. Not recommended after a 15 hr flight.
Speaking of Asia, it’s the land of the both the lowest of low and highest of high-tech toilets. Depending on the nation, potty training there might be less sophisticated than a cat’s litter box or it may require intermediate level HTML instruction.
Rankest Rankings
Who shines and who stinks it up the worst in the airport restroom reviews?
Let’s start with Asia since it offers such vast differences in the experience:
Tokyo
Not surprisingly, the polite and disciplined people of Japan have it all figured out. I suspect that every native passenger there dutifully cleans up after themselves. Heck, the position of janitor may not even exist. If there is one, you better bet he/she is on point and scrubbing with Mr Miyagi level precision.
Check out this gem at Narita Airport Tokyo.
China
Ahhh but then there’s China. Pick pretty much any airport. Their culture seems ok with forsaking several things the rest of us value pretty highly at potty time.
Privacy. When you arrive in the land known for the greatest of walls, you may ironically encounter a restroom with no doors or dividers.
Toilet paper. Apparently it is not supplied or needed. I’m not sure what the workaround is, but I suspect it would rather easily be discovered with the lack of dividers. One only hopes the sinks are operational and fully utilized. Either way, you might second guess visiting the KFC in the concourse.
Aim. This one is just for the fellas (or is it?). The Chinese have a perplexing custom that pretty much guarantees their approach shots will fall short. When setting up at a toilet to tinkle, the accepted practice is to take a step back. The result is facilities as messy as their fire drills. A Chinese airport is no place for flip flops. We suggest duck boots.
Singapore
Let’s get back on track with Singapore. That beautiful, clean country delivers on the facilities.
This oasis rivals a lobby at a 5 star hotel.
Malaysia
On the flip side, we have Malaysia (and others) to bring us back down to earth…like literally down to floor level earth. The highlight of the visit is this bizarre, though highly effective, washdown system involving a garden hose.
The West
Focusing on the Western hemisphere, things become much more consistent. You can expect certain basic necessities. Paper products. Aim in the general direction of the toilet. Privacy levels above what your dog is granted on walks around the block.
There are examples of good and bad, just not a whole lot of the ugly.
A friend did report terrible things about the airport restrooms in the Rome a few years ago. Like the horrors of ancient times at the Coliseum, it was said to be no place for weak stomachs. One can only hope the adage “when in Rome” doesn’t influence arriving tourists and dictate bathroom etiquette for the duration of their stay in the city.
Personal experience reveals the big steamer award might be Cancun. It’s the perfect storm. Massive amounts of people rolling through an overcrowded and understaffed airport. A week’s worth of overindulgence in margaritas and Mexican food. Blend in the highly questionable water source that finds its way in everyone’s system and you have an explosive situation. It’s one case where we can be thankful for the mask era.
Stateside, Cleveland has earned itself a bad rep. Perhaps it’s appropriate their team is named the Browns.
Airport Restroom Reviews
Considering there are over 1200 international airports in the world, it’s challenging to undertake a comprehensive evaluation. My request for a research grant to that end has not been approved. Based purely on hearsay, the review list could really go down the toilet.
In an effort to be fair and non-offending in these enlightened days, we will limit our awards to US based airports. So who ranks as the least rank? Which airports can you pick any concourse facility without being tempted to burn a lounge pass??
Bronze
Minneapolis. Clean and suitable for a Prince.
Silver
Norfolk. Newly remodeled. Overbuilt. Industry leading toilet to passenger ratio.
Golden Throne
Tampa. Before you hit the beautiful white sand, you get to experience a little slice of paradise in the terminal. They have upgraded with all the bells and whistles to be found this side of Tokyo. To further reflect Zen like vibes, Tampa has incorporated de-stress techniques by installing tasteful visuals that distract us while in an intimate, pressure filled group setting. What this means in layman’s terms is they have cool things on the wall to a guard against the wandering eye. At least for certain fellas. And ladies from China.
So enjoy Tampa, where it’s Clearwater from gate to Gulf.
To be continued….Meanwhile hedge your bets by following the ‘Fool’s airport bathroom navigation guide.
