A Different Kind of Trip...
John Denver called it. The lyrics finally made sense. “Seen it rainin’ fire in the sky…he got crazy once and tried to touch the sun…Colorado Rocky Mountain High”… I am of course referring to edibles. Those little goodies may look harmless but even one edible can make you as crazy as the poor fella in that song. And like him, my heart still knows some fear when it comes to the Rocky Mountain gummy high.
Full disclosure: Mr Wanderfool has never been a huge weed guy. Nothing against it. It just never was my jam. But hey when in Rome…
Or in this case Boulder. The day started pleasantly enough. My last day in Colorado so my lovely companion and I did a little hike. Afterwards we had lunch at a sidewalk café and noticed the dispensary next door. So we paid a visit.
Rocky Mountain Gummy High edibles.
Tasty lil Treats
The kid in the shop seemed to know his stuff and he recommended a certain gummy based on a variety of compounds and attributes. None of which made sense to me other than blueberry flavor.
We headed back to Denver with a plan to take a bike ride up to a restaurant for a quick happy hour and then a nice dinner downtown. First order of business was to try those blueberry goodies. So we each had one edible. Easy peasy, like eating candy. After about 15 min, I remarked how I didn’t feel anything and maybe I’d take another. Thank God I asked and she advised against it. Give it a while she said.
(un)Happy Hour
Off we went on the bikes and I was functioning as straight as I was pedaling. So was she. Until about the time we got to the retail development and set up outside on a patio. Just us alone out there. Nice fire pit. A few giggles set in. Then some relaxation. Which morphed into a lot of relaxation. Too much relaxation. Like the can’t get off the seat type.
Fire in the Sky
This was about when time started changing. Reality started warping. The fire started doing odd things. I distinctly remember a 30 Seconds to Mars song playing and for some reason it had been slowed way down. Like someone’s hand was on the turntable. All distorted. Why did they do this to the song I wondered and why is it going on forever.
Time had fully lost all meaning. Everything seemed artificial…except for one clear phenomenon. My heart rate was starting to escalate. I had never felt anything like this. It wasn’t long before I could feel my pulse pounding from chest down through my leg. The more I sat there waiting for this moment to pass, the more the pace ramped up. There was only one possible explanation: heart attack.
Rescue Me
The Rocky Mountain gummy High report.
My companion noticed my ill state and heard my prediction of the forthcoming grabber. Keep in mind I outweigh her by 70 pounds and she was doing fine. So in my mind I was clearly having a catastrophic medical issue and it was urgent.
She asked if I needed help. I’m the type who is hard pressed to go to a doctor much less seek emergency treatment unless something is broken or needing at least three stitches. Yet I found myself replying without hesitation that yes, I did need help. Now.
So she made the call. 9-1-1. I heard her talking to the dispatcher. She mentioned we took one edible and that she felt fine. Were these the last words I would hear?
rocky mountain Gummy high experience
I slid into a moment when some serious thoughts and heavy concepts came into play. At that point I was convinced this was the big one. Otherwise healthy and fit man has a sudden fatal heart attack while in Colorado. I could see my obituary. I saw the funeral. So this is what it’s like to die. It was more profound than sad.
Faint words made me snap out of my funeral visions before I could take inventory of who thought enough of me to show up. She was talking to me and still on the phone with dispatch. I was distressed that this was taking forever. Why was she having such a hard time explaining our location? Simplest thing in the world. Don’t they understand we have a likely DOA situation here!
Edibles
Reaching deep inside with all my survival instincts, I told myself to just keep breathing because help would be here any minute. If I could only keep myself alive over the next 10 seconds then I could fight for another 10 seconds.
Meanwhile why was she looking at me like that. Is that concern or disdain? And why haven’t I heard any sirens yet?? It’s been so long and I don’t know how long I can hold on.
This went on forever. Forever meaning it was probably 5 minutes which translates to a solid hour in edible time. An epic tale of survival in my mind. Against all odds. Were my life savers lost?
At long last I picked up the wail of a siren. It was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. I felt like I was down to my last gasps and at any point my heart was going to explode like a grenade. Now I had a chance. I could see the emergency vehicles pulling up. Lordy they brought the house. A firetruck and an ambulance with lights a blaring. But this was good.
I was envisioning the moment when the medics would come blasting through the gate. Pushing a crash cart and one of them with the paddles in hand fully charged. Just like on ER. They’d rush to my side and shock me away from kingdom come. Maybe stick that long needle in my heart. I had no fear of anything. Just get to me and save me.
Rocky Mountain High gummy edibles
Soooo my thought process hit an abrupt speed bump as I saw one and only one EMT causally strolling through the gate making small talk with someone on the way in. No crash cart…no hurry…no nothing.
Somewhere deep in my internal command center there was a voice amidst the code red crisis saying uh oh, maybe something isn’t what you think here. Yet my heart rate was still berserk and there was no denying that. Confusion. And now all these people from the restaurant were outside spectating with all eyes on me. Did we pay our tab babe?
The medic approached me calm as can be. Hey buddy what’s going on he says. It had been a long time since I tried to produce words and they weren’t coming easily. I felt like I should be able to talk, but my English language file was corrupted and would not download. I babbled something about my heart. We talked for a minute and he suggested I walk to the ambulance. Wait a minute. Don’t you understand I can’t walk and I need serious help here, starting with a stretcher!?
Then as he was helping me to my feet, it dawned on me that it’s both good news and bad news that I could walk. This was not the exit I envisioned. And what are all the other patrons looking at. Babe did we pay our tab??
The new rocky mountain gummy high.
Livin on a Prayer
As I was being escorted off the patio and to the ambulance, I heard my favorite all time song come on. Livin on a Prayer. Clearly this was from above. It confirmed my end of life moment regardless of what those negligent paramedics thought. What a nice gesture from the Man upstairs to play my song.
Before Jon Bon Jovi hit the second chorus, I was seated shirtless in the ambulance with about a dozen monitors stuck on me. Yep heart rate was way high. Too high. So we sat. And talked. They told me to relax. Begged me to relax. Insisted my best treatment would be to go home and watch movies and eat pizza.
No way in my mind. Something was wrong with me and the EKG proved it. I could not relax nor should I! The reaper was still lurking!!
new rocky mountain gummy high
That said, I did not want to go to the hospital. My insurance copay sucks. I had a flight to catch in the morning. It was Southwest and I didn’t want middle seat. We had bicycles to deal with. One of them was a road bike that cost more than some cars. Stress.
More stress in that I believed my girl was looking at me like I was the date who drank too much at her office Christmas party and puked in the punch bowl. These thoughts did not help. My heart rate would not drop.
The paramedics gave me one last chance to get it together but alas I failed to make the grade on the EKG. So they called it in and headed to the hospital, lights a flashin. Fortunately they were cool enough to let us pack the bikes in the ambulance.
Hazy Minds and Dreamy Docs
Upon arrival at the hospital, I found that I could walk unassisted into the ER. This was an awkward way to receive emergency treatment. A very non-judgmental nurse placed me in a bed and administered an IV. It was starting to dawn on me that I was likely going to survive and with no real damage done other than to my dignity.
Why oh why didn’t I opt for that pizza and Netflix treatment. And why was my girl still sitting there next to me looking at me like that? More importantly, why wasn’t her little hundred pound self messed up??
As I laid there allowing my body and brain to reorganize to functional levels, I noticed she had gone into a head in hand position. Ohh not feeling so great after all are ya baby? The nurse noticed too and fetched the doc to come take a look.
As luck would have it, the tending physician was some great looking young dude right off a medical drama show. Dr. Dreamy asked her a few questions and promptly transferred her into a wheelchair. Down the hall she went. I felt terrible about that. No really I did. Sorta.
Gummy Rocky Mountain High
Gazing at the drips dancing their way to my veins, I wondered what was next for us. The nurses and Dr. Dreamy started discussing the case within ear shot. Is that guy with her one of them asked. Oh nooo, definitely not replied the other. I was thinking what the heck is going on here. You are supposed to be saving my life not evaluating whether I outkicked my coverage! Unfortunately, I was still rebooting and in no position to speak up on my behalf. I could only ponder all this and how we were getting home. And whether Dr. Dreamy was performing a pelvic exam.
We chilled in our separate quarters for the whole evening. Finally I was pronounced healthy enough to be reunited with my companion. She too could be released and we now had to figure out how to get ourselves and two bikes home. Uber XL to the rescue. I ordered the ride and texted the driver to inquire whether he had room for two bikes. Yes he did. Awesome.
As I found out later, the driver was hearing impaired and could not speak. When he was arriving, I got a text that said “here I need pee”. Uh what? My brain was still on backup power mode and this didn’t compute. The Suburban pulled up and he jumped out. Looked right at us and rocked a two handed, double pump crotch grab. Then darted inside the hospital.
Did that just happen? What did we just witness? Could this night get any more bizarre? A hospital worker with a fully functioning brain explained what was going on and that the driver needed “to” pee. Ah. Ok safe to get in with him after all. Then again did I really care at that point.
Gummies
We finally arrived home and stared silently at the ceiling that night. Never even thought to order that pizza.
It all could have been a dream but I had been bestowed with a tangible merit badge. Yours truly is one of the select few to have earned a hospital wristband designating Marijuana Intoxication. Cheech and Chong never even accomplished that.
If you decide to chase the edible version of the Rocky Mountain high, remember just one of dem lil gummies can make you crazy and see fire in the sky. In the form of flashing red lights.
Tips from the ‘Fool
Travelers Tips for the Rocky Mountain Gummy High
- A joint is like drinking a beer. An edible is like beer bonging tequila. Cut that edible in quarters and start small.
- Unlike tequila, the edible takes a while to hit. Give it at least 30 min until you take another quarter.
- If you feel your heart racing and/or you start to get unraveled, the key is to relax. It’s an anxiety attack and not a dangerous medical condition. Just remember it’s the Rocky Mountain high and you’ll eventually come back down.
- Immediately after purchasing your edibles, decide in advance what toppings you will want on your pizza and get your coupons ready. Pick out a movie. Four of them actually. Program the pizza delivery place in your phone. Perhaps mask it as 911.
- Relax and count your blessings. Such as your girl’s clean bill of health report. And that the doctor cared enough to write his personal cell number on it.
